It takes deep intestinal fortitude to come clean with people about some of our more risqué fetishes, especially if they are extremely niche or taboo. It is one thing if we meet a potential playmate or partner through a venue that screams “I HAVE A FETISH!” such as an online community which allows you to build a profile wherein you can come clean. However, if you meet someone in a more mainstream environment, like say…work, school or through mutual friends, you have now entered into dangerous territory.
When you have a taboo fetish, such as extreme anal play, edge play or BDSM, you have to protect yourself. A large portion of our world’s citizens would judge you instantly if they knew. In some cases, it can endanger your job, your friendships and even your marriage/relationship.
Still, this leaves you in between a rock and a hard place. If you don’t tell and you end up in a long-term relationship, you are lying by omission and you may feel unfulfilled when your fetish cannot be entertained. It could even lead you to see release by exploring your fetish elsewhere and in ways that are not healthy for your primary relationship. If you do tell, you could scare them away or give them fodder for a mud-fight that could ensue if you ever piss them off.
I have little bit of experience with both of these scenarios, so allow me to toss out some ideas:
- Get some dirt while you give some dirt. Find a way to encourage your partner to share something “dangerous” about them at the same time you are trying to share yours with them. They may make the association that you are both at risk and keep their mouth shut if the feces ever hits the fan. Just don’t be the asshole that betrays that trust.
- Start small. Share a fetish or preference that seems slightly risky and encourage a discussion on where their limits are. Gently explore their limits and sometimes play devil’s advocate. Perhaps bring some minor incarnations of your fetish into your sex life gently and with warning. If you like extreme anal play, start with a finger. Work your way up over time to see if you can encourage larger toys. Don’t push if they say no.
- If the person doesn’t pose a serious risk to your security (i.e. They don’t work with you, share an unknowing social network or have some link that could destroy your job or family.), just tell them and let them decide if they are capable of supporting or joining in on your naughty niche.
One thing I will say is this: If you have a fetish that is crucial to your sexual pleasure, do not get involved in a long-term relationship with someone that will not support you in some way. A secret like that can fester into an ugly hole within relationship.
