I recently ran into a situation where my understanding of the term ‘lifestyle’ caused a hiccup in a relationship negotiation. (I was fortunate that it was small, because I really think this guy is great.) I have been courting a Dom, and only recently he took me on as a sub (dominant/submissive for you vanillas). Early on, I shared with him that I was very interested in the D/s lifestyle. He assumed that I meant that I wanted to be in a Dom’s service all the time, and began pursuing that avenue.

Fortunately, I addressed it very quickly and respectfully. What I really meant by ‘the lifestyle’ was the ‘spectrum of BDSM interactions we could possibly get into at some time.’ Ha! Yes, men are shaking their heads because I had to use eleven words or so to express something so simple…hush.

My point is this, before you get onto a kink/fetish/lifestyle website and start using their lingo, make certain you understand the most widely accepted connotations (meanings) of those terms. Decide whether you are truly ready to identify yourself as a lifestyler when you are only a kinkster. Choose your words with caution, for they all have meaning.

Sadly, I have yet to have the pleasure of experiencing this authentically. I have had MFM threesomes…some pretty hot ones, actually, but the gents did not share affection of any kind. I would love to watch my husband deeply kiss a man and then take the full length of our guest while I go down on his cock! *Sigh.*

Back to my point: bisexual porn is my absolute favorite (with BDSM running a close second). There are so many differences. First and foremost, they tend to seem more passionate and less…well, porn-like. Sometimes the bisexual triad mixes in some humor and others they stay in role entirely. The sounds are often more authentic…and oh, how I love the sounds. It seems as though no one of them has to stay idle…there is always an outlet for their lust. This is unlike FMF threesomes, which requires that one crotch lie in wait for intercourse (at least the variety that I enjoy).

They seem more attentive to the pleasure of their partners. They kiss more. And those are just a few of the reasons I heart bisexual pron. Mmmmm.

Now, I am blessed with some of the most amazing friends I could EVER ask for. I have also entered the world of alternative dating styles. So, I now have my husband, a Master/lover and a best friend with benefits. Add in both my career and my freelance writing as well as a huge group of friends and CALENDAR CHAOS ensues.

I am horrible about keeping up with times and dates; this is what makes the calendar and alarm features on my iPhone a necessity for me. Also, I have noticed that the older I get, the faster a minute flies by. In short, I do not have time for all of the things that I want to do and that need to be done in my world of dating and friends.

Recently, I began assessing the efficiency of my schedule and tweaking it to see if I can find more time. All I ended up doing was over scheduling myself and having to bail on things. Piss-poor friend behavior on a good day. Then I made a decision; I have to re-prioritize and economize.

No more responding in length to guys who hit on me in social networks just to tell them I am not interested without hurting their feelings. Now: “Thank you for your note, but I am not interested.” Rude? Maybe, but they will recover.

No more saying “yes” to events and food outings when I desperately want to say “no”.

Just a few examples of ways I am finding to actually free up time for my social life.

My most recent experience is much the same in that it had pros and cons. I really like the way he slaps me across the face: it is hard enough that it smarts, but caring enough that I know there will be no bruise. He rewards me with things I like, such as affection and normal conversation. I cannot wait for the first full-body leather strapping!

Yet, that gives way to punishments that withhold affection from me…objectify me. There was one thing he had me do that was rather debasing. I did not enjoy it, but am not going to discuss it other than to say it did not involve any disgusting bodily fluids or waste products…or anything else you might describe as perverse or taboo. Just strange.

I liked the fact that he put me under eye-contact and speech controls. I REALLY liked the way he spanked me soooo hard. I was not thrilled with the girth of his cock, but the length is more than sufficient. Overall, he is a healthy specimen. Maybe I can lead him to like more…thrilling things as we go. He definitely needs work on how to handle a flogger. (Wish I could have experienced that with the last Dom before I had to cut ties. The memories of the metal ruler will have to suffice. Wish we had been looking for the same thing.) He will need to master handling me by a collar and leash, because I like that a great deal. There should be no weakness shown there with me.

Anyhow, I am going to keep working with Mister. There are NO chances for feelings to develop beyond muscle deep, so I can really experiment to find my edges without emotional baggage. Done.

My primary partner and I have participated in several different varieties of alternative relationships from same room swap to my current foray with a non-romantic, mental/physical Dom who I now identify as my Master and Protector. My Partner is on his way to another state to visit with his best friend with benefits (FWB). She is an amazing woman whom I have released as completely exempt from our more limiting rules of sexual play.

I have a few people who are exempt; all of them are friends…true friends. Still, I am in a place where I do not want to play with any of them. I feel the need to be closed to my Primary and my Master. Yet, I cannot see my Master this weekend either. So, I have to maintain compersion for my Partner should he hook up with his FWB.

Honestly, I just want him to enjoy himself and have fun with or without sex.

Enough on my rant, because millions around the globe (myself included) have and will continue to add strangers to their group of friends. Besides, that isn’t what my core purpose for writing this post is. I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss the art of ‘UN-friending’ someone from a social network profile.

I abhor drama and really don’t like looking immature or bitchy, so there are several ways I handle unfriending. Here is how I look at it…

Red Flag Friends - These are the people who should be deleted immediately no matter how it makes you appear. This can include recent ex-lovers or partners, ex-inlaws, back stabbers, criminals, creeps/bitches and several other really unpleasant people. Do it; get rid of them.

Place Holding Friends - These are the ones I cull in groups whenever I am bored and cleaning out my friends list. I calculate the amount of 20% of my friends list, and then I delete that many “friends” from the list based on their lack of life-relevance and non-activity in my life. (Yes, an application of the Pareto Principle.)

Hour Glass Friends - These are the ones I stick on my restricted list and leave there until their either disappear on their own or are deleted in a culling when they reach a point where they can be deleted with no social drama. These usually involve people that I used to hang out, men/women I unsuccessfully attempted to date, or people who added me and then  never spoke with me again…friends of friends of friends.

I don’t spend much time thinking about this stuff, honestly. The only reason it is on my mind is because I just took notice of the fact that a former potential playmate, who was an in the Hour Glass group, disappeared from my friends list on the two social networks we had connected through. It doesn’t bother me except that there was so much potential there with just too many non-compatibility factors to get over. I am glad he unfriended first; though, I don’t know why. Meh…now he’s just somebody that I used to know.

Now, ironically, I find myself with a female best friend to whom I am VERY attracted. She is unique and beautiful. We get along in ways I have never gotten along with a woman. Still, I am not quite ready to have a female lover, so I am on the side of keeping it to cuddling and occasional kisses.

The last relationship with another woman that I attempted ended abruptly and painfully. To be honest, though, I don’t feel like it is that failed friendship’s lasting scars that are stopping me this time. It is something else: I cannot get involved emotionally with any person who is as sick as me or worse when it comes to emotional and mental health issues at this point in time.

I have to focus on my well-being for once, and that means not falling in love with people who are so broken that it takes all of me to put them back together at my own expense. She isn’t quite that bad, but there are some serious issues she has to deal with before I will even consider it. To be fair, I have as many – if not more- issues to account for.  So, for now, I will focus on being her best friend and on fulfilling my desires in other areas of my life. In true hedonist style, of course.

I am stuck with the strange thought that it may have seemed like He had all of the power, when, in fact, I have maintained complete control equal to my Primary’s position. I think that Mister (as I shall begin calling the Dom here) has caught on and is finding ways to take my power away while still maintaining a respectful stance with my Primary. In-ter-est-ing!

So far, Mister is very good at this despite our obvious idiosyncrasies, but sometimes I wonder if he is equipped to truly Master me; he has no idea how very difficult and independent I can be. Somehow, though, he has caught me off guard several times…so much so that I feel off-kilter. This is beginning to get very interesting, and the butterflies are almost constant today – the day I get to see him for a while as we shop together. Oh, my.

At first, these types of people can blend with those who are more even-keeled. But after a while, they begin to show their true colors. There are some tell-tale signs to watch for that include, but are not limited to:

• Constant texting that involves negative statements
• Frequent calls wherein they’re always complaining
• Social networking posts that make you want to roll your eyes, because there’s never anything positive
• They go long periods without contacting you until they need something
• Other mutual friends make mention of their negative behaviors

Friends that behave this way can be exhausting after a long period of time. It is one thing when a good friend of yours, who has an established rapport with you, needs you during a rough patch. It is a completely different situation when they always appear to be in crisis, especially when it is obvious that they are behaving in ways that perpetuate the crises.

I have found that one of the best ways to deal with such a Black Hole (gobbling up good energy without balance), is to respond to them with really positive words. These Negative-Nancy personas tend to thrive off of pity, sympathy, empathy and charitable acts. If you don’t feed it, but instead counter it, they will either attempt to turn it around or they will abandon you as a source of energy.

So the next time a Black Hole friend shoots you a complaint, try saying things like “it will get better,” “I believe in you” or “if you work hard enough, you can overcome this.” When all else fails, and they continue to bog you down, tell them and move on to find other like-minded people.

I have recently begun negotiating a D/s relationship (Dominant/submissive) with a local Dom. We both have jobs that make it somewhat risky to engage in alternative lifestyle behaviors. This is exceptionally true since our relationship will include physical contact in ways that the vanilla world might consider…well…abusive or violent.

If you are in a profession in such fields as teaching, law enforcement, firefighting, medical treatment or any other social service, you should read this very carefully. If you are considering - or already actively participating in - a BDSM relationship and you have children, you should read this very carefully. One of the ways that you can protect yourself is by drawing up an affidavit of consent.

This type of document, though not legally binding, can go miles in proving that all participating adults are consenting to what is happening in the relationship. An agreement of this sort can be a single statement that is very simply worded such as, “I Jane Doe, am of sound mind and body and hereby consent to BDSM activities with John Doe without coercion or compulsion.”

If you’re wondering when an agreement/statement like this might come in handy, consider what would happen if a neighbor heard you or your play partner screaming. Police officers that are called to homes for possible domestic abuse are already on guard. A statement such as the brief one above, or a document that is more detailed, could mean the difference between criminal/civil charges or just a stern warning.

Here are some examples of topics you may wish to include in the agreement:

• Activities that you consent to
• Activities that you do not consent to
• A list of tools, toys and implements that you give permission to have used on your body
• The descriptions of your safe words and safe gestures
• Hard (non-negotiable) and soft (somewhat negotiable) limits
• Lists of prior injuries or other factors that should be considered before, during or after play

In addition to the added safety of the agreement when dealing with the law, it also offers an excellent platform to ensure that the emotional and physical well-being of all participants is protected. (Again, note that such agreements are not legally binding, and they may not be sufficient in some states and circumstances, but it is better to have one than not to.)

When I was 19, I began dating a law-enforcement officer. He was in his 30s, so this wasn’t exactly something that I was telling my parents about. Still, I was an adult who lived on my own, and I went with it. Wow, there is something to be said for exploring sex with an older man! For the purposes of this blog, I shall call him Mike.

One night, around midnight, I received a call from Mike. He was on duty but still wanted to see me. It was pretty common for me to meet him out and about for a quick coffee, but this was for a quickie of an entirely different sort! He told me to wear a skirt with no panties! Uh-oh…

I met him at a gas station about 15 minutes from my house. He led the way to a dirt road that went deep into some woods. (I feel that it is important to mention that I had been dating him for more than 3 months, and I trusted him. NEVER follow a relative stranger into the woods in the middle of the night!)

He opened the car door for me and swept me around in circles as I held onto his neck and lifted my feet. He was always so much fun! When we got to his police car, he took on an officer’s commanding tone, “Put your hands on the hood.” I complied, of course. He pushed my face close to the hood and flipped up the back of my skirt. His hands slid up the inside of my legs until his fingers touched my sex. I squirmed.

He stopped touching me and attended to securing my wrists behind my back with his cuffs. Honestly, I was getting nervous that he would get a call and leave me there if he couldn’t get the cuffs off. I was young…give me a break.

With my wrists bound, he began undoing his pants. Once he had his dick out, he went about his business of making me cry out in those woods. This was one of my earliest experiences with bondage. My, how addicted I would become!

If you show your mate that you are dedicated to feeding their fantasies, the foundation you build will be more likely to survive sexual dry spells and other troubles. Whether you have a shoe fetish or simply want to see your partner in something sexy, there is one way to make sure that they fulfill your fantasy: take them shopping!

When you adventure out with your partner to buy items that turn you on, not only are you getting a say-so in what is purchased but you are also showing them that what they are doing is valuable to you. There are many things that you can go shopping for to feed their fantasies and get their motor going.

Consider shopping for some of these items:

1. Lingerie
2. Sex toys
3. Music
4. Pornography
5. Lotions
6. Books on such things as sexual positions or Tantric sex
7. You can even take them “shopping” for a partner to throw into a threesome, a polyamorous relationships or a D/s (BDSM) relationship. I am NOT talking about prostitution; I am referencing the use of alternative social networks to find playmates.

These are just a few ideas, and I am sure you can think of more things that would benefit your sex life. Whether you can only afford a $5.00 pair of lace panties or are able to spring for a $500 sex chair, the investment should pay out in great amounts of interest!

For some reason, this metaphor has stuck with me for years. It most often occurs to me when I am thinking about relationships. It would be an understatement for me to say that I have swam a thousand swamps to find a few lily pads, but -OH -  how beautiful those lily pads were!

There is one area of my life…one lily pad, if you will…that constantly eludes me: successful polyamory.

I know there are partners out there, and I get how to find them. However, something always goes majorly wrong whenever I attempt to explore it. My biggest problems come in regarding time. Whenever I give the potential secondary enough time, my primary feels as though he is being jilted in my attentions. If that is not the issue there is another one…

My biggest problem is not that I can’t handle dating more than one person; it is that I struggle with jealousy regarding my primary dating others. Yes, I am very aware that this fact is ridiculously hypocritical. Perhaps it comes from the horrific experience of being repeatedly cheated on during my vanilla marriage. Or maybe it results from the fear of abandonment which has tormented me since my childhood. Either way, this is the greatest obstacle for me. If I cannot handle my partner dating others, then I do not feel I should date others either.

Back to the topic at hand: envy. I have several friends who have developed very successful polyamorous relationships, and I am so envious that it almost hurts. I have read books, discussed it with those who have found success and have actively communicated with my partner in an on-going manner. However, success continues to elude me.

So, for now, I am breaking (indefinitely) from the attempt to find love-partners and focusing on other alternatives that do not involve love and romance.

What this means for us is that the sexual after-glow that often includes feelings of affection is related to this hormone and causes trust and love toward our bed-mates. This is great when your sexual partner(s) are worthy, but it can cause illusions of trust and attachment that may not be in our best interest.

The amount of oxytocin released during intimate behaviors is frequently higher in women than in men, resulting in a higher likelihood that women will experience feelings associated with bonding. This helps, in some small part, to demystify why sex is so emotional for women and not as critical to all males.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. The higher the sexual or emotional attraction, individuals may experience higher the levels of oxytocin. Biological variations among individual people should be considered, too. Serial monogamy may be explained by elevated levels of oxytocin. So, the next time you start to judge your friend for going from one partner to another in rapid succession, consider that it may be a biological function they cannot control.

My advice: Avoid serious relationship decisions within the early parts of romance, when oxytocin is often at its highest levels. Don’t
move in together quite yet. Perhaps you should wait to have children with them. Give yourself time to evaluate the match that includes those times when you are not having constant sex. It could save you some heartache later.

We are animals that are wired to procreate, just like other animals. The act of watching our own kind go at it is arousing, yes, but an individual can choose to channel their sexual urges into healthy relationships.

When couples plateau in their sexual relations, porn can act as an aphrodisiac for men and women alike. For this to happen, though, couples must have discussions on how they are comfortable introducing it into their sex lives. There are soft porn movies for those of us who don’t like the raunchy, hardcore stuff. Heck, there are even romance novels which have explicit sex scenes to get your motor running (this is mostly a woman thing).

If you still find the concept of watching porn a difficult one to mount as a couple, consider watching the porn in separate rooms and then come together to vent your sexual arousal on one another.

I speak from a place of personal experience when I say that there is something VERY erotic about hearing another woman moaning in enjoyment while my partner pleasures me. Pornography also gives me the fodder for fantasies which help me draw out multiple orgasms.

Free pornography on the net gives you the opportunity to find movies in a private manner, thereby eliminating the embarrassment of going into adult themed stores. I do advise, however, that you discuss the option with your partner before springing it on them. Some people are just too morally or personally opposed to the idea to make it work. The last thing you want to do is put a sexual rift between you both.

So, in short, if porn gets you going in private, have a go at spicing up your sex life with a partner by watching it before and/or during intimacy. I know it gets me off…again and again.

I have decided to focus this article on vanilla dating – meaning traditional, non-alternative styles. It stands to reason, however, that some of these topics may also be taboo in the world of non-traditional dating.

Taboo Topics to Avoid During Early Dates

1. Past Relationships – You may be tempted to discuss ex partners in order to help the new potential understand some of your behaviors and life decisions, but try your very best not to. It is acceptable to mention the parent of your child, if you have one, but keep it brief and positive. Avoid details and stick to the positives as they relate to parenting.
2. Your Sex Life – Unless they ask you directly, avoid discussing your inexperience or promiscuity. This will be more pertinent if the relationship takes on momentum.
3. Your Mental Health – If you suffer from depressions, bipolar disorder or some other mental health issue, try not to spill gut on the first date. If it flows or you feel that it is necessary, you may disclose. However, don’t overload them with the details just yet.
4. Deviant Sexual Fantasies – Unless you met in a way that indicated that you have deviant sexual proclivities, you may want to hold off on bringing up your thoughts on the matter. Of course, some people feel that getting them out there quickly is important so as to find someone who will participate. This is only a good strategy if it is a deal breaker, in my humble opinion.
5. Your Financial Issues – Bad credit? Over-drawn bank accounts? Yeah, you need to get control of that, and I recommend that you do so before dating. However, if you wish to play the field regardless, don’t spill the beans too early. Serious financial issues are a major red flag to partner potentials. Don’t be deceitful, but don’t be transparent quite yet either. Note: if your relationship takes off, have the talk. Moving in with someone and then coming clean is selfish and destructive.

Psychology has known for quite some time that seriously dysfunctional relationships alter behavior and thought patterns in others at any age. Some would argue that this only happens when there is already a pattern of dysfunction within a person; however, it is now being made evident that this is not necessarily the case.

It will come as no surprise to those of us who are students of behavior that it is our interpersonal relationships which so greatly affect this rewiring. We are social creatures by nature – typically preferring to live, work and play in pairs or groups.

This understanding makes it more evident that we should choose partners and lovers very carefully, for they help us to become who we shall be in the future. So, look for partners who uplift you and catalyze positive growth.

In the world of internet dating, this is exceptionally difficult to actively pursue. People focus upon their own positive traits when they create profiles. Additionally, electronic interactions remove the ability to read body language in others. It is estimated that more than half of our interpersonal communication is non-verbal. So, as you rewire yourself to new mates, make certain that you have face-to-face contacts as frequently as possible to ensure that the neural pathways you create together are healthy.

First of all, depression often leads to lowered self-esteem. When your self-image is damaged, you are more likely to attract emotional predators and to accept less-than-acceptable behaviors and characteristics in others. When the voices in your heart are putting you down, sometimes you don’t even notice other people’s negativity toward you.

Also, depressions lead to a low sex drive in many cases. This can be disheartening to potential mates who value sex. Without any experience with the healthy you, they may make assumptions which lead them to reconsider releasing you back into the world of mate-lessness.

Fatigue and apathy are often bed-buddies with depressed moods. Stagnation is not exciting to others in most cases.

Also, there is a great amount of truth in the concept that “misery loves company.” I have noticed that depressed people gravitate toward me when I am depressed. It could be that we happen to be in the same places because we are both feeling the same way. (Hint: NEVER date someone you meet in the waiting room of your psychologist/psychiatrist’s office.) Or it could be that you both feel that there is nothing better out there and simply choose someone so that you don’t have to feel alone. Codependency is often concurrent with depression-laden relationships.

Consider this: Pause your dating and get treatment for your depression. Having good mental health makes it more likely that you will find someone uplifting. Just sayin’.

Now let me be clear: I am not a slave, nor am I a 24/7 submissive to him. This is purely experiential for me – an experiment to find my edges. It comes on the heels of an almost disastrous interaction with another dominant male who stimulated a very unpleasant set of feelings in me. He was beautiful, successful and doting. The only problem is that he wanted more than I had to give and had a knack for making me over-aware of my faults. He rejected everything about my life to the point that it made me question my choices and even the most important people in it.

I have learned that many naturally submissive women fall into this trap due to their empathic natures and desires to please. It took almost losing my primary partner to wake me up. It was a sudden realization for me, and the ties with him were severed immediately. It was after that experience that I wrote down the characteristics that I want in a Dom, and that led me to Mister A.

Here is the beginning of my list:

1. He is to be supportive of my life goals and assist me with accountability.

2. He is NOT to tamper with my primary relationship, nor my social life.

3. He is to be comfortable with feeding my pain fetish.

4. He is to accept compartmentalization from my reality.

5. True affection is a must, falling in love is unacceptable. If he does, he must deal with it. This is about discipline for me.

6. He is to be a natural dominant that has my best interests at heart so that I can simply release into the role.

7. Most importantly: He must respect my primary relationship and my best friend/”girlfriend” (for lack of an adequate term to describe her.)

I think I have found him. His only fault so far: he is a little too pushy sometimes about seeing me. He is a Dom, though, so dispensations for that. The adventure begins!

I don’t quite understand how such creative and feeling minds can be so sad at times that they see the world entirely skewed. I am one of those people who tend to see the world through one of two filters. The creative risk-taker in me finds the world of sex and sensuality fascinating. These days I am more interested in the sensuality of human contact, not just penetrative sex. I want to play in my head, mostly. My body is simply an instrument to be used to gain such experiences as my senses wish to have. However, the logical and organized part of me seeks order and steps back from such openness.

I don’t fully understand what is going on in my head right now, but I can assure you that it is moving toward some sort of growth…some major change. I can’t fathom that this much creative energy wouldn’t become something.