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Hands on the Hood!

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Siren

I wonder if your brain went straight to the clitoris when you saw the title. Tee hee! While that title would likely make a great story, that is not quite what I meant. Instead, I wish to tell you a true, erotic story about one of my favorite sexual encounters.

When I was 19, I began dating a law-enforcement officer. He was in his 30s, so this wasn’t exactly something that I was telling my parents about. Still, I was an adult who lived on my own, and I went with it. Wow, there is something to be said for exploring sex with an older man! For the purposes of this blog, I shall call him Mike.

One night, around midnight, I received a call from Mike. He was on duty but still wanted to see me. It was pretty common for me to meet him out and about for a quick coffee, but this was for a quickie of an entirely different sort! He told me to wear a skirt with no panties! Uh-oh…

I met him at a gas station about 15 minutes from my house. He led the way to a dirt road that went deep into some woods. (I feel that it is important to mention that I had been dating him for more than 3 months, and I trusted him. NEVER follow a relative stranger into the woods in the middle of the night!)

He opened the car door for me and swept me around in circles as I held onto his neck and lifted my feet. He was always so much fun! When we got to his police car, he took on an officer’s commanding tone, “Put your hands on the hood.” I complied, of course. He pushed my face close to the hood and flipped up the back of my skirt. His hands slid up the inside of my legs until his fingers touched my sex. I squirmed.

He stopped touching me and attended to securing my wrists behind my back with his cuffs. Honestly, I was getting nervous that he would get a call and leave me there if he couldn’t get the cuffs off. I was young…give me a break.

With my wrists bound, he began undoing his pants. Once he had his dick out, he went about his business of making me cry out in those woods. This was one of my earliest experiences with bondage. My, how addicted I would become!

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Spice Up Your Relationship From Day One

Posted on March 29, 2012 by Siren

Many couples make a very basic mistake when they are developing intimate relationships: They wait until the relationship needs spicing up or saving before they do things such as wearing special outfits or role-playing. I argue that your relationship is worth the effort to keep it HOT from the very beginning.

If you show your mate that you are dedicated to feeding their fantasies, the foundation you build will be more likely to survive sexual dry spells and other troubles. Whether you have a shoe fetish or simply want to see your partner in something sexy, there is one way to make sure that they fulfill your fantasy: take them shopping!

When you adventure out with your partner to buy items that turn you on, not only are you getting a say-so in what is purchased but you are also showing them that what they are doing is valuable to you. There are many things that you can go shopping for to feed their fantasies and get their motor going.

Consider shopping for some of these items:

  1. Lingerie
  2. Sex toys
  3. Music
  4. Pornography
  5. Lotions
  6. Books on such things as sexual positions or Tantric sex
  7. You can even take them “shopping” for a partner to throw into a threesome, a polyamorous relationships or a D/s (BDSM) relationship. I am NOT talking about prostitution; I am referencing the use of alternative social networks to find playmates.

These are just a few ideas, and I am sure you can think of more things that would benefit your sex life. Whether you can only afford a $5.00 pair of lace panties or are able to spring for a $500 sex chair, the investment should pay out in great amounts of interest!

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Sometimes, I Envy Other People’s Polyamorous Lily Pads

Posted on March 28, 2012 by Siren

Someone once described life to me as a swamp. He said that the good times are lily pads and the bad are the muck. In order to get from one lily pad to another, we either have to swim through the muck without giving up or work REALLY hard to jump from one to the next. Sometimes our jumps fall short, and we end up neck-deep in the sludge.

For some reason, this metaphor has stuck with me for years. It most often occurs to me when I am thinking about relationships. It would be an understatement for me to say that I have swam a thousand swamps to find a few lily pads, but -OH -  how beautiful those lily pads were!

There is one area of my life…one lily pad, if you will…that constantly eludes me: successful polyamory.

I know there are partners out there, and I get how to find them. However, something always goes majorly wrong whenever I attempt to explore it. My biggest problems come in regarding time. Whenever I give the potential secondary enough time, my primary feels as though he is being jilted in my attentions. If that is not the issue there is another one…

My biggest problem is not that I can’t handle dating more than one person; it is that I struggle with jealousy regarding my primary dating others. Yes, I am very aware that this fact is ridiculously hypocritical. Perhaps it comes from the horrific experience of being repeatedly cheated on during my vanilla marriage. Or maybe it results from the fear of abandonment which has tormented me since my childhood. Either way, this is the greatest obstacle for me. If I cannot handle my partner dating others, then I do not feel I should date others either.

Back to the topic at hand: envy. I have several friends who have developed very successful polyamorous relationships, and I am so envious that it almost hurts. I have read books, discussed it with those who have found success and have actively communicated with my partner in an on-going manner. However, success continues to elude me.

So, for now, I am breaking (indefinitely) from the attempt to find love-partners and focusing on other alternatives that do not involve love and romance.

Filed In: Adult Dating Casual Sex, Online Social Dating and Relationships, Relationships for Love and Marriage, The Lifestyle / Swinging
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A Hormone May Cause Us to Bond with the Wrong Person

Posted on March 28, 2012 by Siren

Have you ever heard of oxytocin? Also known as the “love hormone” or the “cuddle hormone,” oxytocin is most frequently associated with pregnancy, birth and breast feeding. (It is one of the hormones that pregnancy tests pick up on to give you a positive.) It is also released during sex, most commonly during an orgasm, and has been scientifically associated with pair-bonding.

What this means for us is that the sexual after-glow that often includes feelings of affection is related to this hormone and causes trust and love toward our bed-mates. This is great when your sexual partner(s) are worthy, but it can cause illusions of trust and attachment that may not be in our best interest.

The amount of oxytocin released during intimate behaviors is frequently higher in women than in men, resulting in a higher likelihood that women will experience feelings associated with bonding. This helps, in some small part, to demystify why sex is so emotional for women and not as critical to all males.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. The higher the sexual or emotional attraction, individuals may experience higher the levels of oxytocin. Biological variations among individual people should be considered, too. Serial monogamy may be explained by elevated levels of oxytocin. So, the next time you start to judge your friend for going from one partner to another in rapid succession, consider that it may be a biological function they cannot control.

My advice: Avoid serious relationship decisions within the early parts of romance, when oxytocin is often at its highest levels. Don’t
move in together quite yet. Perhaps you should wait to have children with them. Give yourself time to evaluate the match that includes those times when you are not having constant sex. It could save you some heartache later.

Filed In: Adult Dating Casual Sex, Gay Dating and Relationship Lifestyle Choices, Lesbian Dating and Relationship Lifestyle Choices, Online Social Dating and Relationships, Opinion Rants and Controversy, Relationships for Love and Marriage, Tips Tricks and Advice
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Pornography as an Aphrodisiac

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Siren

Most of us were taught that pornography is bad…or in the very least that it should be reserved for private, solo use. I challenge that lesson! I recognize that many world religions look down on lust and pornography, because they believe that it leads to adultery and inappropriate sexual relations. Still, I challenge that lesson, too!

We are animals that are wired to procreate, just like other animals. The act of watching our own kind go at it is arousing, yes, but an individual can choose to channel their sexual urges into healthy relationships.

When couples plateau in their sexual relations, porn can act as an aphrodisiac for men and women alike. For this to happen, though, couples must have discussions on how they are comfortable introducing it into their sex lives. There are soft porn movies for those of us who don’t like the raunchy, hardcore stuff. Heck, there are even romance novels which have explicit sex scenes to get your motor running (this is mostly a woman thing).

If you still find the concept of watching porn a difficult one to mount as a couple, consider watching the porn in separate rooms and then come together to vent your sexual arousal on one another.

I speak from a place of personal experience when I say that there is something VERY erotic about hearing another woman moaning in enjoyment while my partner pleasures me. Pornography also gives me the fodder for fantasies which help me draw out multiple orgasms.

Free pornography on the net gives you the opportunity to find movies in a private manner, thereby eliminating the embarrassment of going into adult themed stores. I do advise, however, that you discuss the option with your partner before springing it on them. Some people are just too morally or personally opposed to the idea to make it work. The last thing you want to do is put a sexual rift between you both.

So, in short, if porn gets you going in private, have a go at spicing up your sex life with a partner by watching it before and/or during intimacy. I know it gets me off…again and again.

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Taboo Topics in Vanilla Dating

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Siren

My mother taught me to avoid certain topics when going out on first and second dates. “Discussing things like religion and politics are not always the best idea,” she would warn. I have learned over the years that there are some other topics that should be avoided until you have established a solid rapport that can withstand disagreements.

I have decided to focus this article on vanilla dating – meaning traditional, non-alternative styles. It stands to reason, however, that some of these topics may also be taboo in the world of non-traditional dating.

Taboo Topics to Avoid During Early Dates

  1. Past Relationships – You may be tempted to discuss ex partners in order to help the new potential understand some of your behaviors and life decisions, but try your very best not to. It is acceptable to mention the parent of your child, if you have one, but keep it brief and positive. Avoid details and stick to the positives as they relate to parenting.
  2. Your Sex Life – Unless they ask you directly, avoid discussing your inexperience or promiscuity. This will be more pertinent if the relationship takes on momentum.
  3. Your Mental Health – If you suffer from depressions, bipolar disorder or some other mental health issue, try not to spill gut on the first date. If it flows or you feel that it is necessary, you may disclose. However, don’t overload them with the details just yet.
  4. Deviant Sexual Fantasies – Unless you met in a way that indicated that you have deviant sexual proclivities, you may want to hold off on bringing up your thoughts on the matter. Of course, some people feel that getting them out there quickly is important so as to find someone who will participate. This is only a good strategy if it is a deal breaker, in my humble opinion.
  5. Your Financial Issues – Bad credit? Over-drawn bank accounts? Yeah, you need to get control of that, and I recommend that you do so before dating. However, if you wish to play the field regardless, don’t spill the beans too early. Serious financial issues are a major red flag to partner potentials. Don’t be deceitful, but don’t be transparent quite yet either. Note: if your relationship takes off, have the talk. Moving in with someone and then coming clean is selfish and destructive.
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Interpersonal Neurobiology and Internet Dating

Posted on March 27, 2012 by Siren

It has been hypothesized that one’s character and personality are indelibly imprinted during the very early years in a child’s life. However, a relatively new field of science, known as interpersonal neurobiology, calls this theory into question. Studies in this field have begun to bring a whole new concept into the light: the human brain rewires itself constantly based upon our daily experiences and interactions.

Psychology has known for quite some time that seriously dysfunctional relationships alter behavior and thought patterns in others at any age. Some would argue that this only happens when there is already a pattern of dysfunction within a person; however, it is now being made evident that this is not necessarily the case.

It will come as no surprise to those of us who are students of behavior that it is our interpersonal relationships which so greatly affect this rewiring. We are social creatures by nature – typically preferring to live, work and play in pairs or groups.

This understanding makes it more evident that we should choose partners and lovers very carefully, for they help us to become who we shall be in the future. So, look for partners who uplift you and catalyze positive growth.

In the world of internet dating, this is exceptionally difficult to actively pursue. People focus upon their own positive traits when they create profiles. Additionally, electronic interactions remove the ability to read body language in others. It is estimated that more than half of our interpersonal communication is non-verbal. So, as you rewire yourself to new mates, make certain that you have face-to-face contacts as frequently as possible to ensure that the neural pathways you create together are healthy.

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Depression and Dating

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Siren

One of the most difficult things to do when dating is to deal with a chemical depression (or even just dysthymia). You see, doing so can lead to a lot of different things you likely would never have predicted would occur. Please keep in mind that I am not a doctor or psychologist. These conclusions are strictly from personal experience and observations. I have worked with people with emotional disabilities for 14 years, and suffer from periodic depressions myself.

First of all, depression often leads to lowered self-esteem. When your self-image is damaged, you are more likely to attract emotional predators and to accept less-than-acceptable behaviors and characteristics in others. When the voices in your heart are putting you down, sometimes you don’t even notice other people’s negativity toward you.

Also, depressions lead to a low sex drive in many cases. This can be disheartening to potential mates who value sex. Without any experience with the healthy you, they may make assumptions which lead them to reconsider releasing you back into the world of mate-lessness.

Fatigue and apathy are often bed-buddies with depressed moods. Stagnation is not exciting to others in most cases.

Also, there is a great amount of truth in the concept that “misery loves company.” I have noticed that depressed people gravitate toward me when I am depressed. It could be that we happen to be in the same places because we are both feeling the same way. (Hint: NEVER date someone you meet in the waiting room of your psychologist/psychiatrist’s office.) Or it could be that you both feel that there is nothing better out there and simply choose someone so that you don’t have to feel alone. Codependency is often concurrent with depression-laden relationships.

Consider this: Pause your dating and get treatment for your depression. Having good mental health makes it more likely that you will find someone uplifting. Just sayin’.

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An Adventure: Finding and Accepting a True Dom

Posted on March 26, 2012 by Siren

I have experienced a lot of peculiar things in my life – some fantastic, some horrid and everything in-between. I took a leap a couple of weeks ago that has proven to be one of the most peculiar experiences I have had in the lifestyle to date. I courted a true Dom and took him as my own: I am in his service and completely submissive to him.

Now let me be clear: I am not a slave, nor am I a 24/7 submissive to him. This is purely experiential for me – an experiment to find my edges. It comes on the heels of an almost disastrous interaction with another dominant male who stimulated a very unpleasant set of feelings in me. He was beautiful, successful and doting. The only problem is that he wanted more than I had to give and had a knack for making me over-aware of my faults. He rejected everything about my life to the point that it made me question my choices and even the most important people in it.

I have learned that many naturally submissive women fall into this trap due to their empathic natures and desires to please. It took almost losing my primary partner to wake me up. It was a sudden realization for me, and the ties with him were severed immediately. It was after that experience that I wrote down the characteristics that I want in a Dom, and that led me to Mister A.

Here is the beginning of my list:

1. He is to be supportive of my life goals and assist me with accountability.

2. He is NOT to tamper with my primary relationship, nor my social life.

3. He is to be comfortable with feeding my pain fetish.

4. He is to accept compartmentalization from my reality.

5. True affection is a must, falling in love is unacceptable. If he does, he must deal with it. This is about discipline for me.

6. He is to be a natural dominant that has my best interests at heart so that I can simply release into the role.

7. Most importantly: He must respect my primary relationship and my best friend/”girlfriend” (for lack of an adequate term to describe her.)

I think I have found him. His only fault so far: he is a little too pushy sometimes about seeing me. He is a Dom, though, so dispensations for that. The adventure begins!

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Depression, Creativity and Alternative Lifestyles (Rambling Observations)

Posted on March 5, 2012 by Siren

I have often wondered at how many of the people I know who have some alternative sexual habit or lifestyle also suffer from some level of depression. Many times, we are also dealing with highly cognitive people. Individuals who live mostly in their heads tend to like kinky sex, I have observed. They also seem to wear the weight of the world on their shoulders. Creative minds, troubled minds, kinky minds.

I don’t quite understand how such creative and feeling minds can be so sad at times that they see the world entirely skewed. I am one of those people who tend to see the world through one of two filters. The creative risk-taker in me finds the world of sex and sensuality fascinating. These days I am more interested in the sensuality of human contact, not just penetrative sex. I want to play in my head, mostly. My body is simply an instrument to be used to gain such experiences as my senses wish to have. However, the logical and organized part of me seeks order and steps back from such openness.

I don’t fully understand what is going on in my head right now, but I can assure you that it is moving toward some sort of growth…some major change. I can’t fathom that this much creative energy wouldn’t become something.

 

 

 

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