An interesting, and somewhat self-destructive, concept has cropped up in my mind: I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME! Throughout my life, I have always done what made other people happy and complete until I can’t do that for even one more second…then chaos ensues. The fact that my birthday is coming up soon has flipped a switch in my brain for some reason. Birthdays come every year, so why is this one so different? I am turning 36; it isn’t like I am turning 96…yet, it has pressed me to make a decision which is now running amok in my life.
Siren’s Decision: If I want something at a core level, and it conflicts with the interests and desires of another while making me miserable, I choose me.
This doesn’t mean I will disregard the wishes of my loved ones; it simply means that I will be fulfilling my own dreams before others’ for the big ticket items. This sounds very selfish. In fact, it is selfish; but, I do not believe that is a bad thing. Of course I will always consider the welfare of others, but not after my own any more.
It is very discomforting to observe how this is already deconstructing some of my life. I can only hope that I am a better person when it reconstructs me. I find solace in the idea that I am my own greatest priority – second only to my son. Unfortunately, it is difficult to consider the effects on my romantic relationships since many of my dreams and deepest desires are not conducive to long-term commitment. I always seem to make my life so difficult, but it has been a fascinating ride.
